Friday, September 13, 2019

God forsaken life

Ignorance is bliss! - I am not sure who said that first.

Sometimes I think a lot about that sentence. I used to think that thinking too much was the problem. Because I felt my emotions so much more than others. I still do. But now as my thoughts have finally settled it is my emotions that are getting me.

I was SEVEN years old when I walked down the aisle at church and decided to ask Jesus into my heart. I felt that decision like an adult would feel it. I understood it. I needed it like I needed air. I was alone at church. I remember just hearing God tell my heart to go. So I did. I long for that feeling and voice.

When I was a teenager I felt God's hug. Literally felt him hug me while I was in my bedroom crying.

Then after I was happily married and given an infertile diagnosis of PCOS I pleaded with God. God came right back here to me and taught me so much during that journey. He taught me to trust Him. To remember how much I needed him more that air as a seven year old. How He had been with me the entire time. During all of my teenage years and current heartache.

He gave me the desires of my heart! Two beautiful boys and somewhere along the way that feeling disappeared.

I sit here today with a hole in my soul. I don't mean that I am just sad or haven't read my bible. I mean I feel like someone has taken most of my soul, part of my heart. Has literally plucked God's love from me. It is the worst feeling ever! It is beyond lost. Lost means you can find your way out. There is no way out in my case. I have tried to feel God but I cannot. I see others feeling Him and I yearn to see the sun again.

I have become very angry with God. And yet I cannot let Him go. I still say prayers and wonder if He will open the door to me once again. I am doubtful and it makes me sick to my stomach that I am here trying to live this life in the dark. I see others dancing in His song and I am deaf. In silence and darkness I can only keep going because I have three people that need me. But I am miserable without God.

I am sure others see this in me too. They pass me by as if I have disappeared. No longer worth seeing. Less that even an afterthought. I hope that my three people don't stop seeing me because I will disappear for sure then. I have nothing to offer others. I guess that is why they see no reason in investing in a friendship with me. Even the friendships I once had have forgotten me. Am I so easily forgotten?

Each day I pray it changes!

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Growing pains

I haven't had a broken heart since we miscarried before we got pg with Noah. And it stinks.

This has been happening a little bit at a time and then yesterday it all fell and broke. My sweet little Noah, age 7 doesn't need me like he once did. He was riding his bike and fell. Of course, I ran to him and wanted to see if he was okay. Don't get me wrong I wasn't being crazy. But his response was like an arrow straight into my heart. He wanted me to go away. My brain couldn't even comprehend. Maybe he hit his head and didn't know what he was talking about. 

But he did know what he was saying and he was really adamant about it. 

Thankfully, Todd was outside as well so he went over to him and I bowed out and went inside. I did shed a few tears, okay a lot of tears. I wondered what I had done wrong. Did I do something that made Noah not feel safe with me? Then my mind went into overdrive. I thought about the past year and all of the times he didn't need or want me.

 Of course I want him to grow and prosper, but I wasn't ready. It came so fast and hit me hard. I think the hardest part is that he still lets Todd help him with things. I guess we are never really ready for the changes that happen in our lives. 

After lots of prayer and chatting with a friend I was finally able to see that my baby is just growing up and now I know why they call it growing pains. It isn't for the kiddos, it is for the parents. 

Now I am off to nurture the heck out of Mason!!! He still lets me :) And I am going to soak every in every little second that Noah still does.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

New adventure!!

I have always loved adventures and I recently started a new one!!

And I am that Rodan + Fields girl!!

I am excited because I love using the products and it will be fun sharing them with everyone. I will post on my fb page. If you would like to order from me feel free to message me on fb or go to my website and order. 

Trust me your skin will thank you! Plus, there is a money back guarantee. I cannot wait to share more!!!!! 

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Workin' it Wednesdays

Hey y'all! I am linking up for "Workin' it Wednesdays" with two bloggers I follow (Shay and Erika).

Okay so I am admitting defeat and can say that I am SUPER ready for the boys to go back to school. I am missing the routine and really cannot come up with anymore ideas of things that are fun. I know that I cannot entertain them in the summer, but I try to keep them busy. If they say they are bored they can do chores or experience boredom, lol. I tell them that being bored is going to happen in life a lot so they should get used to dealing with it. Wow, I sound optimistic. 

Since Noah and Mason received new book bags last year from PBkids they will be using those again this year. Those book bags have been great and wash easily if they get a little dirty. Plus they are pricey so I hope they hold up for a few years. I made the mistake of buying a rolling one for Noah at the beginning of last year. Well, there was a hole in the bottom by mid year so we will not be buying any rolling ones anytime soon. It was from PBkids too so just beware. 

We take first day of school pictures and last day of school pictures. I love finding free printables and try to match them up for the first day and last day. I found some cute printables on Pinterest that were free. Last year I laminated them, but it makes them look shiny so I don't plan on that this year. 

Here are the ones we took the last year on the last day. It is funny because I actually took their picture the day before the last day because the last was so full that I knew I would be rushed. So they are wearing field day clothes instead of their uniforms. And if you look closely Noah is crossing his eyes. I did not notice this until after I uploaded the pictures. He is a ham!!!

For open house I always use a cute Pinterest Printout and give the teacher(s) a little gift. It says "I am so happy I get to BEE in your class this year" then I attach a burt's bees chapstick and let the boys write out love and their names. They were a hit this year.

We have to bring all of the supplies to open house. I love that because then the boys do not have to bring in book bags and bags and bags upon bags on the first day of school. Open house was last night (I am doing a post on that later), Noah was super excited to see his friends. Mason did great at first, but then I saw him starting to tear up and I tried so hard to get out of the classroom. Hold on let me clarify. In our open house we bring in supplies and drop the kids off in their classroom so they can check it out and the parents head to Chapel to listen to any new updates for the year. So Mason started to cry and the door was blocked with parents coming into the classroom. I did not make it out before he attached himself to me like superglue. FOR REAL!! The teacher worked so hard to get him from me.

I left the room with a heavy heart, but prayed that he would do good. And I was so happy to see that both my boys LOVED their classrooms and teachers. We are blessed at our school with the most amazing teachers.

Now onto lunches. Is it bad that I haven't bought groceries yet? Today we got the boys hair cut then went to the dentist for our yearly cleaning. NO CAVITIES, whoop whoop!! Todd is getting groceries after work! That man is amazing!!! The boys eat the same thing for like a few months then might change up a few things. Thankfully, the school has CFA, Mel's, and American Pie that caters. They have others but the boys like these the most. That means I only have to do lunches two or three times a week. I pack them turkey sandwiches, strawberries, yogurt, chips, chews, and a small pack of oreos. I have yet to fix my milk problem. The school does not sell milk and my boys are milk junkies. Mason likes the chocolate milk form horizon, but I cannot find a milk that Noah likes in a small size. We use ingles milk and he loves that. I have used TONS of thermos' and cannot find one that does not leak. If you have any suggestions PLEASE share. I give them a lot to drink. Usually I put milk, a capri sun, and a water.

Tomorrow is the BIG day. We live 10 minutes from the school which helps us sleep later. PTL!!!! The boys get up and eat breakfast around 6:30. They are like us and are not morning people. We put on the tv and cover them up in blankets and let them eat breakfast on the couch. This helps them start the day in a good mood. Then it is "ninja time". They act like ninjas and take their uniforms in the playroom and get ready. They run into the kitchen and surprise me, I act like I never even saw them leave the living room. It is a fun game and it helps them get ready. I make their lunches that morning. Their book bags are packed up the night before so we are all ready to go. Once their teeth are brushed and hair "did" we are out the door.

Well that is how we "Work" the first day of school in the Livingston household. Praying everyone has a stress free, happy, peaceful, blessed, and fun first day of school this year.


Monday, August 7, 2017

Wish it were Sunday

Just another Manic Monday...ohhhh ohhh, wish it were Sunday. Cause that's my fun day.



Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Last week of Summer

Our official last week of summer is upon us. We have tried to fit in a few fun activities and of course I am stressing about getting everything organized before school starts. However, I have been procrastinating and have not done any organizing or cleaning. On Tuesday we went to the park while my momma got her oil changed in her car. We bought two loaves of bread and ended up using it all to feed the ducks, one goose, and an odd looking duck/chicken.

Then we went to the playground and the boys ran from one thing to another playing. It was super hot and sunny. If you live in GA you know that the humidity here is ridiculous, so we were drenched with sweat (or at least I was). They have a water/splash pad and it was open. Even though we had no swimsuits or sunscreen I let the boys play for a few minutes before my momma picked us up.

Now off to buy new shoes, white undershirts, and undies for the boys!! 


Saturday, July 29, 2017

2 AM was NOT a good idea!!

I have this horrible habit of staying up after the boys go to sleep and watching tv. I always think that I will watch just one show and head back to bed. Yeah that never happens. Last night I ended up staying up til 2 AM and today I am suffering for it. Why do I do this to myself??

We have just one more full week before school starts so I have ALOT to get done. The major thing is to get the boys (and me) to bed earlier and set our alarm to get us up early. I'm hoping that getting it done this week will make the boys less grumpy when school starts. I honestly hope I can get up. I am horrible with alarms. I usually get Todd to wake me up because I will turn the alarm off in my sleep.

Another task on my "Ta Da" List is to get the boys new shoes, white T-shirts, and socks. Man the more I type the more I am dreading school!! There are other things to get done and I thought this post was going to be about that, but now I am changing my mind.

It is going to be a bummer when the boys are back in school. For one it is hard for me to think about them being gone so long during the day. School days are too long. SEVEN hours is too much. That is seven hours out of like what 5 waking hours I have with them during a day. I know they need school for so many more reasons than just the obvious of an education. And I know it gets tough some days at home trying to keep them occupied and teach them that being bored is okay. BUT.....I am going to miss my babies!!!!!!!!!

Plus, I am a SAHM so I will be home....alone!! And yes I hear all the sighs that say you should be singing happy songs that you will be home alone. I am sure I will some days. I just worry because I have anxiety and depression. I have blogged about all of this numerous times. My illnesses are constant just like anyone else with a physical illness. I have to keep it in check with medication, God, and Family. Then there are still days or weeks where it is almost impossible to make it through the day. With God's grace I do, it isn't a pretty day full of me being supermom. It usually consists of a lot of movies and minecraft with the boys.

So I am fully aware that this change can trigger me. What can I do during these first few weeks to keep myself on point? Please share :)